Rev. E. Anderson
THE KNOCK AT MY DOOR
Claudia Leaman
At first I didn’t listen. Finally I did.
I could hardly believe what my older brother, Hal, was saying to me. His suggestion was ridiculous, absurd – he wanted me to get down on my knees and give my life to God! I was shocked and repelled. My brother had become a Jesus freak! It was the last night of my weekend visit with him in Cambridge, where he was studying‘. We were sitting in his apartment, on the rollaway couch that served as my bed, discussing religion. He. Could have chosen ‘a touchier subject, for I had recently decided that I was an atheist. I was just eighteen and a few months earlier had started college, leaving home for the first time.
I tried to explain to Hal the way I felt. ‘Ever since I can remember,’ I told him, ‘I’ve gone to church and Sunday school just because it was the thing to do. But now that I’m in college, I realize that I never thought any of it out for myself. I can’t justify my old beliefs to myself or to the kids in the dorm. I think I’ve been an atheist all along.’
‘Barb,’ Hal said slowly, calling me by my family nickname, ‘God is still there. All you have to do is ask him into your life.’
I had noticed in “Hal a new kind of strength and assurance, and I admired that — but then I had always admired Hal. Ever since I was seven and my father died, Hal had been special to me, helping me with my lessons, giving me books to read. Now it seemed that if I couldn’t trust Hal, there was no one I could trust.
Hal kept telling me what he thought I should do. Finally, just to please him, I did the last thing I ever pictured doing on a visit to my brother. I went down on my knees and repeated the words he ‘suggested: ‘God, please come into my life.’ Nothing happened. I only felt awkward and embarrassed. After a short while I got up. Hal embraced me and said good night. I was grateful that he didn’t ask me how I felt.
When he left the room I began to cry. I cried all night and most of the next day. Because I could no longer understand Hal. Because I was confused and alone.
The next time I saw my brother was a few months later at a family gathering. He made a point of talking to me alone. ‘How do you feel about accepting God into your life?’ he asked.
‘It may be all right for you,’ I blurted, ‘but not for me.’ Hal could see I didn’t want to be questioned about it.
For ten years we dropped the subject, and I tried to put the experience out of my mind. During that time I graduated from college and began my acting career. I fell back into my old, half-understood ways of occasionally going to church. But I never quite knew why or what I was looking for there.
Early in 1977 I found myself in a rehearsal room with the director and cast of Jesus Christ, Superstar. I had a role as one of Jesus’ followers, and we were preparing for a major production. Five months earlier I had played Sonya, also a follower of Christ, in Godspell.
When I got the role in Superstar; I promised myself that what had happened to me in Godspell wouldn’t happen again. Acting in that play, in a local Pennsylvania production, had been one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. Night after night I saw something happen in the theatre that I had never seen before –an audience no longer made up of strangers, but of friends, singing and rejoicing together. But although I felt their exhilaration, I was unable to share it — the gospel narratives that the play is built around just didn’t come alive for me. ‘
Because acting was my whole world, I was willing to do anything to be a better actress – even if it meant going to the Bible to research my role. For the first time, I really read the gospels carefully. Now,» waiting backstage at the theatre, I thought I was thoroughly prepared for the scene we were about to rehearse. ‘
The director, an enthusiastic man, gave us our directions:
‘Jesus has just been arrested. You run to the spot where he was taken away. You look everywhere for him, unable to believe what has happened. It’s as though all your dreams have been shattered — everything you’ve loved and hoped for is gone.’ .
As I began to play the scene, I felt a tremendous sadness rise and clutch my throat. Deeply moved, I burst into tears and allowed them to pour down my face. Everyone thought I was only acting. Afterward another member of the cast came up to me and said, ‘Claudia, that was great! How did you do it?’
‘I don’t know,’ I told her. And I really didn’t. It didn’t occur to me that I was acting out my own deep feelings of loss, fear and loneliness, that the scene in the play was actually a scene from my life.
When the run of the play was over, I returned home to a routine that seemed even emptier and more aimless than before. I spent moa nights in front of the television set wondering why my life had so little meaning.
One cold night in January, restless and unhappy, I opened the Bible. I came upon Revelation 3:20: ‘Behold, I stand at the door, and if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him . . and he with me.’ I began to think that Christ had been knocking at the door for a long time, at least since that long-ago night with Hal. Only God could know how to reach me through my desire to be a good actress, a desire that led me to the Bible and finally to him. Suddenly, an overwhelming surge of love and longing and gratitude flooded through me. Once again I went to my knees, this time thankfully welcoming God into my life. At last I knew that my life was complete, and that I was made whole.
About a year after playing in Superstar I saw Hal again at another family get-together. Over coffee, I told him about all the changes that had entered into my life along with Christ. ‘For the first time I really feel I know what’s important. It’s not as if everything has been all roses, but when something disappointing happens – say I’m rejected for a part – I always have somewhere
to turn. I’m never completely alone any more.’
Hal was silent for a while. Then he said, ‘Well, I’m not surprised. I knew you were put in those two plays for a reason.’
We ended that evening with thanksgiving for God’s hidden guidance, for each other and for the role that moved from the stage into my real life: a disciple of Christ.
Barnabas Ministries UK 