Barnabas Ministries UK

Rev. E. Anderson
A RABBI FUNNY

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

A BOY FUNNY

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back.

The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

A HEAVENLY FUNNY

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted…”

Rev. E. Anderson
A PAINTING FUNNY

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

HUSBAND AND WIFE FUNNY

First guy: “I’m really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask.”

Second guy: “What kind of question?”

First guy: “She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly.”

Second guy: “That’s easy. You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”

First guy: “Yeah, that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”

A CHILD FUNNY

A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, “Dad, how high can you count?”

The father replied, “Well, I don’t know, son — how high can you count?”

The son immediately replied, “One thousand, five hundred, forty-two.”

The father said, “Why did you stop?”

The son shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, church was over.”

A GRANDSON FUNNY

A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Rev. E. Anderson
SAVED FUNNY

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Srson
outhern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $20.”

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought $20 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved!”

A CHILD’S FUNNY

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question: “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know … Our Father, who does art in Heaven.”

A HORSE FUNNY

Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, The horse died.”

Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Chuck said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Rev. E. Anderson

A CHILD FUNNY

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

GENIE FUNNY

One day, a woman finds a lamp on a deserted beach. She rubs it and a Genie emerges, “Mistress, I’m at your command. I can grant you 3 wishes.”

The woman replied:

1. I want my husband to have eyes only for me
2. I want him to update me all his activities every minute and
3. When he gets up in the morning I want to be the first one he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.”

“Your wishes are my command.” The Genie turned her into a iPhone6 Pad.

HOSPITAL FUNNIES

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”

Rev. E. Anderson

DOG FUNNY

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.

“It sure is,” I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van.

Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

A MUSICIAN FUNNY

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the band leader said, “Look, either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. It’s up to you, sync or swim.”

 OLD AGE FUNNY

Old Guy: “Doc, I got aches and pains all over!  Can you fix me?”

Doctor:  “You’re in excellent shape for 90!  I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger.”

Old Guy: “Who asked you to make me younger?  Just make sure I get older!”

PIANO FUNNY

A man appeared at the door and announced, “Ma’am, I’m the piano tuner.”

“I didn’t call for a tuner,” the pianist said.

“I know, lady,” the man said. “Your neighbour did.”

 LAWYER FUNNY

 The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you”.

Rev. E. Anderson

A CHILD’S FUNNY

“Teacher,” announced little Joey, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figger out.”
“What’s that Joey?” asked the Sunday school teacher.

“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Er–right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you’re right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed the teacher. “So what’s your question?”

“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What wuz all the grown-ups doin’g?

 A HEAVENLY FUNNY

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

GOLFER FUNNY

Golfer 1: “Why are you so late?”

Golfer 2: “I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!”

Rev. E. Anderson
A CHILD’S FUNNY

“Teacher,” announced little Joey, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figger out.”

“What’s that Joey?” asked the Sunday school teacher.

“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Er–right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you’re right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed the teacher. “So what’s your question?”

“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What wuz all the grown-ups doin’g?

A HEAVENLY FUNNY

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

GOLFER FUNNY

Golfer 1: “Why are you so late?”

Golfer 2: “I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!”

Rev. E. Anderson
FUNNY RE-ARRANGEMENT OF WORDS

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

HUSBAND FUNNY

When the power mower broke and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make my point.

When my husband arrived home the next day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks”

Rev. E. Anderson
AN OLDIE FUNNY

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick
inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for
labour.

“Labour charges!” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes.”

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

“Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady responded, and she
handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard
bagging leaves.

A GENIE FUNNY

A salesman, an office manager, and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it…

POOF! A genie comes out. The genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” cries the office manager. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

POOF! She’s gone.

In astonishment, the salesman shouts: “Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, and the love of my life.”

POOF! He’s gone.

“Okay, you’re up,” the genie says to the boss.

The boss says: “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

** The Moral of the Story: **
Always let your boss have the first say.

A CREDIT CARD FUNNY

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.